Athlete Couples

It is talent that brings an athlete to their sport, but the heart and mind propel them to excel. As sports psychologist Sylvain Guimond states, “80% of athletes’ success is mental.” Combine athletes in their personal relationships, and that effect can be enhanced. Athlete couples are often revered and looked up to as examples of what happy, healthy, and successful relationships can be – ‘power couples.’ What makes that possible?

Types of Athlete Couples

Some athlete couples are comprised of two athletes, some in the same sport (e.g. Alex Morgan and Servando Carrasco – soccer; Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi – tennis; Nadia Comaneci and Bart Conner – gymnasts), some in different sports (Julie and Zach Ertz – soccer & football; Megan Rapinoe and Sue Bird – soccer & basketball; Simone Biles and Jonathan Owens – gymnastics and football). When both partners are athletes, they are drawn together by their love of sports but also by the benefit of having someone who understands what it means to be a competitive athlete – its ups and downs, the admiration for their partner’s talent, and encouragement of them to continually pursue excellence in their respective careers. Rapinoe and Bird spoke of ‘friendly competition’ to keep them working toward their best. Other couples, like Ashton Eaton (heptathlon) and Brianne Thiesen-Eaton (pentathlon), acknowledge the power of understanding the importance of their Olympic dreams and the sacrifices required of the marriage. Athletes in relationships also share a value on physical fitness and encourage it in each other.

There is a long history of other athlete couples where one is an athlete and one a non-athlete. Interestingly, a majority of athlete couples are these mixed-profession couples. Their partners tend to be either another high-visibility, high-profile profession (e.g., acting/modeling, musician, media-related, politician, CEO, etc.) or a non-high profile profession (e.g., writer, entrepreneur, fashion industry). Many of these couples are well-known to the public, often due to their partner’s fame over their own. The list includes recent couple Travis Kelcie (football) and Taylor Swift (musician) to long-ago and short-lived couple Joe DiMaggio (famous football coach) and Marilyn Monroe (actress). Other athletes with non-athlete partners are Dwayne Wade (basketball) and Gabrielle Union (actress), Rodney (football) and Holly Robinson-Peete (actress), Tim Tebow (football) and Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters (model), Steph and Ayeesha Curry (basketball and cookbook author), and Jarret Stoll (hockey) and Erin Andrews (sportscaster).  

Unique Qualities, Benefits and Challenges

Sports Power Couples embody some universal qualities in their relationships. According to Austin Sports Behavioral Health principals, their Phoenix logo represents these shared qualities for sports and relationship success:

P – Perseverance
H – Hope
O – Overcoming
E – Endurance
N – Never giving up
I – Inspiration
X – Example

These qualities transcend sports, assist partners in overcoming adversity, and show up in day-to-day interactions. Some of the unique qualities of athlete vs. non-athlete couples often include vast sums of money, notoriety/media exposure, multiple types of support systems involved in their lives (e.g., family, friends, coaches, teammates, sports management, financial advisors), and joint businesses/ventures.  

Specific challenges to athletes in their personal relationships include some unique things and some that are shared with non-athlete couples. Unique challenges include:

• Balancing multiple personal and sport-related roles: partner, friend, lover, coach, competitor, mentor, and knowing when and how to shift between them.
• How do you prioritize the relationship and the sport – especially in light of differences in where each partner’s sport or professional goals may be?
• Support systems may not be aligned with couple goals. Coaches or franchise management may want one or more partners to do something counter to couple goals, and parents or family may not support a positive professional move by the couple.
• Different timelines per sport (e.g., football or basketball season vs. swim competition schedule) or different peaks in each partner’s professional success (e.g., one partner is winning while the other is at the end of their career)
• Sports-related injuries, promotions, demotions 
• Relocations and separations: opportunities for one – what does/can the other do? Separations create emotional and physical distance in the relationship, opening opportunities for disconnection and/or emotional or physical affairs. (e.g., Patrick and Brittany Mahomes – his career in football and her career in professional soccer kept them apart, and they had to negotiate when and how to be together; recently, Simone Biles and Jonathan Owens relocated for his signing with the Green Bay Packers – she was all in supporting him). Remember: Trust is Key
• Sports competition pressure and mental health stress
• Sports-related scandals (e.g., Simone Biles had to overcome a sexual abuse scandal in gymnastics perpetrated by Dr. Nassar, team doctor, and the subsequent mental health effects)

Shared challenges faced by both athlete and non-athlete couples include the requirements of time management, prioritizing and respecting the importance of the relationship, risks of domestic violence, and parenting.

Strategies for Coping and Strengthening Relationships

The following strategies and suggestions can benefit both athlete and non-athlete couples. Suggestions for unique challenges of athlete couples will be highlighted. 

1. Assess the 5 C’s (Harwood & Anderson, 2015): Commitment, Communication, Concentration, Control, and Confidence. These lead to mental toughness and emotional intelligence.
2. Communication: This is the key to managing all challenges and enhancing the personal relationship. Simple tools to increase positive communication:
   1. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
   2.  Clearly state your position only using the script of thoughts and feelings based on what you see/hear, wants, and actions. 
   3. Substitute “What” or “How Come” instead of “Why” statements
   4. When angry, whisper.
   5. Listen first, second – acknowledge or summarize what your partner says, and third – share your thoughts.
   6. Use tentative language when you want to have a crucial or courageous conversation (“I’m wondering whether we can find a time…)
   7. If communication is not going well or getting too emotionally loaded, use the Rule of 3: Announce you will not be able to continue the conversation at present and will be happy to continue at a different time. If that doesn’t work, repeat the statement with “I will be hanging up/leaving the conversation if there is no resolution,” and then repeat a 3rd time if necessary and end the conversation.
3. Prioritize your Relationship; Strengthen and Friendship and Trust
   1. Daily strengthening by positive comments/actions (verbalize appreciation for your partner, compliments, gratitude) in a 2/3 ratio of positive to negative
   2. Avoid “The Four Horseman” (Gottman, 2014) Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling
   3. Prioritize one-on-one time through daily shared private time/devotionals.
   4. Schedule regular ‘date nights’
   5. Engage in non-sports fun activities with both athletes and other friends.
4. For more serious needs/issues, talk openly and seek assistance/therapy from sports-informed therapists.

So in this month of Valentine’s Day, we celebrate athlete couples’ commitment to heart, health, and happiness.