Male Swimwear: Made in America
by JB Hager
94.7FM Morning DJ
Photo by: n/a
Bathing suit season is definitely upon us. The only reason I know this is because every woman I bump into refers to bikini season as if it were the Super Bowl, the royal wedding or an alien encounter. If you didn’t already know, it’s a really big deal.
Between the moans and groans of determining what’s in fashion, I hear furious debates about how to mix and match tops and bottoms and reminders to always leave your underwear on while trying on new bathing suits. Who knew there was so much fanfare surrounding a simple piece of clothing?
Let’s just say I’m not envious of the responsibilities women have in this regard — namely, the pressure to be cute, stylish and relevant every summer. For men, it’s always been pretty simple…at least until recently. Case in point: I’ve lately heard growls and grumblings from lots of American men that the Europeans are trying to mess up our swimsuits.
Most Americans were not too enchanted when the “Euro boy short” swim trunks started making their way to the lovely beaches and pools of this great nation. In fact, you may be familiar with the derogatory terms used to describe them, such as “nutters,” “banana hammocks” or most often just “ew.” Even women were unimpressed by the graphic nature of these swimsuits. Most women like a nice chest, arms, chiseled face and even great buns. There’s just something far too graphic about the front area of these suits that leaves most innocent bystanders grimacing.
I don’t believe it’s that we’re narrow-minded or unwilling to change. In my opinion, we’ve actually been very acquiescent when it comes to recent Euro trends. If you’ve been in Austin for some time you know that we love our big trucks and SUV’s, however, we’ve slowly been adapting to Mini Coopers, Smart Cars and the return of the Fiat. Sure, we giggle when we see them, but we realize they’re here to stay. Have fun driving your eggs around town I always say.
We’ve also been quite tolerant of those ridiculous Euro male hairstyles. Soccer star David Beckham is single-handedly responsible for this mess. I reluctantly watched this trend take hold the youth of America, but now I’m pretty comfortable with it. That said, it still amazes me that Euro men are willing to spend more on hair products than on dental care, but to each his own.
If you were downtown at all during SXSW you likely saw the skinny jeans craze, too (or as the Brits like to call them, trousers). Again, it’s another male fashion trend that’s gradually made its way across America. I could certainly do without the moose knuckle it makes in the front, but it’s a fad influenced by music, so I’m willing to let it slide.
Overall, I feel as Americans we’re pretty willing to bend, adapt and accept. However, I will not and cannot move forward with the new Euro swimwear for men. I’m putting my foot down on this one. It’s unacceptable and downright offensive.
If you go by the name Bond, James Bond, or The Talented Mr. Ripley, then you get a free pass. Otherwise give me my baggy surf shorts for summer 2011 and keep the boy shorts where they belong.
JB Hager can be heard on the JB and Sandy Morning Show from 6 to 10 a.m. on Mix 94.7 and seen on KEYE 42 from 5 to 7 a.m. weekday mornings.
Between the moans and groans of determining what’s in fashion, I hear furious debates about how to mix and match tops and bottoms and reminders to always leave your underwear on while trying on new bathing suits. Who knew there was so much fanfare surrounding a simple piece of clothing?
Let’s just say I’m not envious of the responsibilities women have in this regard — namely, the pressure to be cute, stylish and relevant every summer. For men, it’s always been pretty simple…at least until recently. Case in point: I’ve lately heard growls and grumblings from lots of American men that the Europeans are trying to mess up our swimsuits.
Most Americans were not too enchanted when the “Euro boy short” swim trunks started making their way to the lovely beaches and pools of this great nation. In fact, you may be familiar with the derogatory terms used to describe them, such as “nutters,” “banana hammocks” or most often just “ew.” Even women were unimpressed by the graphic nature of these swimsuits. Most women like a nice chest, arms, chiseled face and even great buns. There’s just something far too graphic about the front area of these suits that leaves most innocent bystanders grimacing.
I don’t believe it’s that we’re narrow-minded or unwilling to change. In my opinion, we’ve actually been very acquiescent when it comes to recent Euro trends. If you’ve been in Austin for some time you know that we love our big trucks and SUV’s, however, we’ve slowly been adapting to Mini Coopers, Smart Cars and the return of the Fiat. Sure, we giggle when we see them, but we realize they’re here to stay. Have fun driving your eggs around town I always say.
We’ve also been quite tolerant of those ridiculous Euro male hairstyles. Soccer star David Beckham is single-handedly responsible for this mess. I reluctantly watched this trend take hold the youth of America, but now I’m pretty comfortable with it. That said, it still amazes me that Euro men are willing to spend more on hair products than on dental care, but to each his own.
If you were downtown at all during SXSW you likely saw the skinny jeans craze, too (or as the Brits like to call them, trousers). Again, it’s another male fashion trend that’s gradually made its way across America. I could certainly do without the moose knuckle it makes in the front, but it’s a fad influenced by music, so I’m willing to let it slide.
Overall, I feel as Americans we’re pretty willing to bend, adapt and accept. However, I will not and cannot move forward with the new Euro swimwear for men. I’m putting my foot down on this one. It’s unacceptable and downright offensive.
If you go by the name Bond, James Bond, or The Talented Mr. Ripley, then you get a free pass. Otherwise give me my baggy surf shorts for summer 2011 and keep the boy shorts where they belong.
JB Hager can be heard on the JB and Sandy Morning Show from 6 to 10 a.m. on Mix 94.7 and seen on KEYE 42 from 5 to 7 a.m. weekday mornings.
Ally Davidson: A True American Gladiator, June 2009 Issue
Swimsuit Guide 2009, May 2009 Issue
Joe Vitale Has Green on His Mind, April 2009 Issue
