Time to Go Retro
by JB Hager
94.7FM Morning DJ
Photo by: n/a
I’m thinking about buying a Penny Farthing. It’s a turn-of-the-century high-wheeler, one of those late 1800s bikes with a giant wheel in the front and a tiny one in the back. I’ve realized this might just be the best possible way for me to achieve maximum fitness in my life. Okay, let me explain.
At the core, I’m a total gear head. If you’ve read any of my AFM columns over the last year or so, then you already know this. Technology is my main motivation and continual reward for staying in shape. Whenever I ride my bike I have to have state-of-the-art devices to calculate my speed, average speed, max speed, distance, heart rate, RPMs, watt output, temperature, altitude and GPS location; and of course the ability to post all of this on Facebook, which is really annoying to the average person. My bike has more technology and brainpower behind it than the Apollo 11 moon landing.
However, even with all this science working in my favor, I still haven’t achieved the success I’ve always hoped for. In fact, I had a recent revelation. I was helping clean out my mother’s garage and came across a 1980s NordicTrack exercise machine. I thought to myself, “What the heck?” then tried to fire the thing up. It seemed so primitive and simple, but what I discovered is that asking all your appendages to work in opposite directions at the same time is completely exhausting. Within five minutes I was on the floor, in the fetal position, panting like a sled dog.
If nothing else, it reminded me of my high school track and cross-country days. My old coach, Coach Townsend — who is actually still coaching at Georgetown High today — had an Aerodyne Cycle. He would put all of his athletes (guys too skinny to play football) on the Aerodyne, slowly increasing tension until failure. It took less than five minutes for most of us to taste blood and black out. It was archaic compared to today’s standards but nonetheless effective. Coach T still has that machine because it works.
If you’re wondering where I’m going with all of this…I’ve come to realize that “going retro” with my gear might just be the thing for me. I’ll hit the Aerodyne a couple times a week. I’ll awkwardly mimic cross-country skiing on the NordicTrack, though I’m sure I’ll look more like Charlie Sheen leaving a strip club at 3 a.m. than a coordinated athlete. The third and final ingredient in my regimen will be long weekend rides on my Penny Farthing. I’m going period-correct, too — a thick wool suit, black top hat, Yosemeti Sam moustache and all. Those bikes must weigh 50 pounds! Forget my 16-pound Trek.
A couple months on these three things and I’ll be as ripped as Laird Hamilton or as chaffed as Rosie O’Donnell after chasing her kids through a Chucky Cheese play scape.
Wish me luck — as you’re reading this, I’m trolling estate sales for my new, old-time arsenal of gear.
JB Hager can be heard on the JB and Sandy Morning Show from 6 to 10 a.m. on Mix 94.7 and seen on KEYE 42 from 5 to 7 a.m. weekday mornings.
At the core, I’m a total gear head. If you’ve read any of my AFM columns over the last year or so, then you already know this. Technology is my main motivation and continual reward for staying in shape. Whenever I ride my bike I have to have state-of-the-art devices to calculate my speed, average speed, max speed, distance, heart rate, RPMs, watt output, temperature, altitude and GPS location; and of course the ability to post all of this on Facebook, which is really annoying to the average person. My bike has more technology and brainpower behind it than the Apollo 11 moon landing.
However, even with all this science working in my favor, I still haven’t achieved the success I’ve always hoped for. In fact, I had a recent revelation. I was helping clean out my mother’s garage and came across a 1980s NordicTrack exercise machine. I thought to myself, “What the heck?” then tried to fire the thing up. It seemed so primitive and simple, but what I discovered is that asking all your appendages to work in opposite directions at the same time is completely exhausting. Within five minutes I was on the floor, in the fetal position, panting like a sled dog.
If nothing else, it reminded me of my high school track and cross-country days. My old coach, Coach Townsend — who is actually still coaching at Georgetown High today — had an Aerodyne Cycle. He would put all of his athletes (guys too skinny to play football) on the Aerodyne, slowly increasing tension until failure. It took less than five minutes for most of us to taste blood and black out. It was archaic compared to today’s standards but nonetheless effective. Coach T still has that machine because it works.
If you’re wondering where I’m going with all of this…I’ve come to realize that “going retro” with my gear might just be the thing for me. I’ll hit the Aerodyne a couple times a week. I’ll awkwardly mimic cross-country skiing on the NordicTrack, though I’m sure I’ll look more like Charlie Sheen leaving a strip club at 3 a.m. than a coordinated athlete. The third and final ingredient in my regimen will be long weekend rides on my Penny Farthing. I’m going period-correct, too — a thick wool suit, black top hat, Yosemeti Sam moustache and all. Those bikes must weigh 50 pounds! Forget my 16-pound Trek.
A couple months on these three things and I’ll be as ripped as Laird Hamilton or as chaffed as Rosie O’Donnell after chasing her kids through a Chucky Cheese play scape.
Wish me luck — as you’re reading this, I’m trolling estate sales for my new, old-time arsenal of gear.
JB Hager can be heard on the JB and Sandy Morning Show from 6 to 10 a.m. on Mix 94.7 and seen on KEYE 42 from 5 to 7 a.m. weekday mornings.
Ally Davidson: A True American Gladiator, June 2009 Issue
Joe Vitale Has Green on His Mind, April 2009 Issue
Swimsuit Guide 2009, May 2009 Issue
