Austin is no stranger to superhero athletes. There are people walking among us with stories that inspire, sometimes having cheated death to reach the upper echelons of their sports. Runner Gilbert Tuhabonye survived genocide in Berundi, Mark Zupan proved you can be an athlete when confined to a wheelchair, and you most likely know the cancer survival story of cyclist Lance Armstrong. Amazing people. Then, there are the rest of us. Those people, like me, whose physical goals in life are merely created to offset indulgence.

There is too much delicious, fat-filled fun to be had in this town. We go out drinking more than most people, and there is caloric sin on every corner. It’s no secret that we love to eat and drink. The average Austinite eats enough queso compuesto in a year to fill the gas tank of an H2 Hummer. The upside is we will work our a-- into the ground to burn it off.

My wife and I have built our “rigorous” workout schedules entirely to undo our sinful pleasures. For her, when chocolate cake enters the room, she (much like a cartoon) lifts off the ground, her hair sticks straight up, her eyes bug out two feet and all you hear are ahoogah horn blasts and train whistles. Therefore, she does Pilates twice a week and runs marathons.

For me, my vice is beer. A friend of mine moved here from L.A. and pointed out that Austinites have a beer in their hands at all times, not to mention that every single establishment in Austin serves alcohol. My church now lets you take as many wine shots as you want, as long as you leave a good tip. My dry cleaners is now offering Wednesday night live music and tequila tastings. This town is brutal.

There are a lot of people around here who appear to be fitness gods and goddesses, but they too are just trying to overcome the madness of this town. If you don’t believe me, check out any Friday morning workout class in town. Sure, it might be called “Body Pump” or “Zumba,” but if you listen to the rumblings of the participants, the conversation is all too familiar.

“I’m hurtin’, man.”
“Where did you go last night? We were at Dogwood ‘til the lights got us at 2 a.m.”
“I’m never drinking again!”
“One too many Pickle Shots at Kung Fu.”

The classes should have names like: 9 a.m. Hangover Helper, 10 a.m. Detox Blocks and 11 a.m Brain Swell Kettlebells.

My point is this: if you are working out on a regular basis just to maintain status quo, you are not alone in this town. I kid you not, on the very eve that I am writing this my wife and I will be participating the annual Margarita Run. I will have three margaritas, which will total about 1,200 calories. The run itself will have burned about 400 calories. Therefore, tomorrow I will need to ride my bike at least 2.5 hours just to break even.

Enjoy this town my friends. Take in all that it has to offer. See you tomorrow on the trail.

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JB Hager can be heard on the JB and Sandy Morning Show from 6 to 10 a.m. on Mix 94.7 and seen on KEYE 42 from 5 to 7 a.m. weekday mornings.